This picture represents my idea of Desire, she plays the reluctant part, he plays dominant, He Is The Man, He Will Bend Her to His Will.
In one month I will meet the ex lover/potential employer, of these 2 definitions I am sure about the first one only as he has in fact been my ex one night lover and I have no clue if we will ever work together, as far as projects go, the more info he send, the more I don't believe he has been looking for me for work at all but he is just building the needed web to allow me to fall into it without too much guilt or regret, as he is married with 4 children.
He will be coming on a Saturday, I offered to have lunch as to keep 'the night' as far away as possible from both our minds, but he said we should have dinner, this worried me because he is not from my city and he will need a place to sleep, so I asked should I book an hotel or is he already organized but he did not reply.
At the time we had our night together, he was very persistent and a great strategist, I see the strategy pattern again, he is planning to stay for the week end in fact, in my bed, which is both flattering and scary because I have not had sex since I started to walk with Desteni, but I can't see clearly if I stopped due to my judgements of what I had reduced sex to, mind trips into fantasies and pictures and porn behaviour, or if I stopped just because I became so depressed due to my overload of information and slow application of them into a process of Life that I couldn't care less about jumping in and out of beds without any moral boundary.
Have I turned sex into a morality point? Would I say NO to this man because he is married with 4 children even though I know he would never leave his wife and I don't see this as my commitment but his that should be kept and I am just the sidekick of a professional cheater that I won't change even if I say NO to him, or do I want to say NO because I see there will be con-sequences to this and they may not be what is best for me/all at the moment, which is to have a clear cut business relationship that is on solid ground and not built for the purpose of fucking me as I had in the past with another business partner, who set up a company with me just so he could officially display my name in his phone without fear of being caught by his wife. The business never worked out and after one year I was tired of being tied to him into a pretense relationship that he wanted to believe was something meaningful and was thinking to introduce me to his children to explain to them 'the way things are'.
Things are NOT that way, unless we make them so, lives of cheating and lies that we then need to justify and cover up creating alter Egos, as if one Ego was not enough to deal with.
I have chatted about this point last night with a Desteni friend, what I saw in our chat is the following:
what I liked about this man was his persistence, in fact it had NOTHING to do with him as I judged him poorly educated, a boring conversationalist and slightly shorter than me, which is a turn off in my mind as men must be taller, it's plain clear in all fairy tales, men are bigger, it's crucial for the protection factor of the weakling woman, so persistence was irresistible, it gave me value, I believed he wanted ME and only ME making ME more important and desirable than other women.
My friend told me that I may have just been a fantasy in his head, 'the office woman', plus men are after the ones who are not too easy to get, because they too derive value from the prize of having gotten what is not given away to everybody or just anybody.
So basically, we both play a pathetic value game, each part hoping to get the worth they do not perceive they have from the other one, we live a life of dis-honesty in which we syphon each other's energy to boost ourselves into bigger energy being, creating bigger emotional bodies to live out, bigger personalities, bigger mindfucks.
Yet I saw this point as bothering me, while I chatted with my friend I saw I don't fear him at all, I fear me, I fear that he will have me at the first touch of my hands, that the touch of our bodies will activate my body memories and I will move into desire and then I will spend the evening into suppression, pretending I don't want it and I don't care for it, while in fact I want it so much I have already started to think about it and how he has been one of the few men in my life I have not regretted having sex with, already One Month before we may (or may not) see each other and face each other after 5 years.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bother myself with thoughts about what it will be in one month and for projecting myself into a potential situation of discomfort that it may not even happen and within this I forgive myself that I am trying to 'guess and assume' what is in the mind of a man I have not seen for 5 years, just because his desiring me or my assumption of him desiring me makes me feel good about myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Life is about me feeling good about myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse men for the purpose of feeling good about myself, not caring about them at all if not about how much they wanted and desired me because I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined by how desirable/fuckable I am to a man
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define 'desire' as a moment of coercion in which a man dominates and I just give in as this is the way sexuality plays out in my mind as both of us living out the roles we were designed for in which men dominates and women just comply
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire that a man dominates and takes over a sexual situation as that displays his desire for me and I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined by how desired I am
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be desired
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for having had stories with married men as being disloyal to the women world in which I have separated myself from men, into women vs men
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own desire and how I see myself moving into being 'turned on' without ever noticing, that being 'turned on' makes me nothing more than a blender or a vacuum cleaner who can be turned ON at whim, instead than a self directive being that stands as the decisions I make about what is best for me and What is Best for All
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value men that can turn me on, just because they fit the image of sex and sexuality I have accepted and allowed myself to imprint myself with, without realizing that I have lived as a sex machine and not as a Human Being and I have lived sex as a ritualized expression and not sex as Self as Self Expression Here in and as Breath
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my sexuality as dirty and demeaning without realizing only my mind could accept and allow to turn sexuality into something dirty and demeaning because I accepted and allowed the idea that Virgin Martyrs were better than women who fucked and were not into martyrdom, because that is what the Church told us
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pick up all the sexual teaching and innuendos of the Catholics as the 'Original Sin' being sex or 'Eve's problem and Sin' being sex, and not having sex before marriage as it was good only inside marriage and for such acceptance and allowance of these idiotic teachings having turned my mind into a sex warmonger that I have to fight to survive for the demeaning self judgements of myself that I bestowed upon myself every time I had sex
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for having sex
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having sex and what I will think about myself afterward
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my self judgement of myself as sex, because I wished I was over my Catholic upbringing in fear I would unleash the hate I felt for them when I blamed them as the point in which my sexuality got fucked up
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the Catholics for what they teach about Sex and Sexuality, instead of seeing we are all brainwashed into miserable belief systems and ideas used to control ourselves and each other to never allow self expression or our getting in touch with the physical and in truth I have always and only hated me for accepting and allowing myself to take on board such bullshit even when my body showed me reluctance to the sex constrains of me as The Mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my Mind rule my life and my body, stealing Life Essence from myself and others for the purpose of living and existing as a Mind System
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself and my sexuality because desire is a powerful force I have never controlled instead of seeing that desire is of the mind, in and as separation of me from me for an experience, stemming from my dissatisfaction of myself and my ideas and beliefs that I am not enough and that I need experiences to give meaning to my life and to myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe experiences are what defines me and what gives purpose to my life, instead of seeing that experiences are of the mind and that me as the physical do not need any 'experience' to be alive but only the Mind as it separates and clones itself into experiences and relationships designed to not allow me to be Here in and as Breath as Self Expression
When and as I see myself moving or about to move into the Desire to be Desired, I stop, Breathe, remind myself that I no longer accept to define myself according to my desirability or to make a point of value of and for myself the 'being desired' by a man, I am Self value and Self Worth Here in Breath, when and as I stop the separation of me as self from everything that exists
When and as I see myself fearing or about to fear that Desire may take over, I stop, Breathe, remind myself I am walking as the Directive Principle of my Life and I no longer accept to be moved like a Puppet by energies fluctuations and Imprinting of and as the Mind, and Breathe through the Point of Desire as Energy until it dissipates and I stand Here stable in and as Breath as Life, One and Equal
I commit myself to clear the point of Desire and the Desire to be Desired from myself as The Mind and as the physical, until I can see Desire or the Desire to be Desired no longer move me but I moving My Self as the Self Directive Principle of my Life
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