Vocabulary definition
1. Having or displaying a sense of overbearing self-worth or self-importance.
2. Marked by or arising from a feeling or assumption of one's superiority toward others
When I was a kid I lived in the government housing with my mum AND I had 'rich grandparents'. Since I was the only granddaugher from every side of the family I was considered 'special' by all the grandparents, at one point in my life I had 7 grandparents, 4 of which were divorced and remarried on my grandma's side, one grandmother on my father's side, plus another 2 from my mum's new partner.
All of them gave me money as money was The Point for all of them to get back at my mum in one way or another and they only asked that I would keep it a secret, which was perfectly fine with me, so I would not have to explain or justify how I spent it.
I mainly spent it on candies, had daily sugar binges by the age of 5, which is as well when I started to have weight issues that were downplayed by my grandmother, the one who was the biggest influence in my life, who herself had balooned up to fat size and then went down in a yoyo fashion that marked my family relationship with food.
Some other money I would spend on stickers, when I was a kid we had stickers books and we would buy the stickers in envelopes of 5 and then use them like money, we would trade the doubles for the missing ones until we filled all the books. I collected water tatoos as well, I did not use them, I had tried but I found out that holding a stash of them, priding myself to have some of the best in anyone's collections in the courtyard, gave me a sense of power.
Due to my different access to Money than the other kids of the courtyard I got to feel superior to them as they always tried to be in my 'graces' so to speak, so they could share in the things I was able to buy with my secret money.
This special status gave me the power of the High Court as well within the court yard, I would sit and listen to disputes and give my wise opinion on who was wrong and who was right, some issues seemed pretty clear cut, some issues were not and then I would lean toward my closest friends and bestow the favourable judgement onto them.
This made me feel powerful and above the other kids.
My mum was much into 'justice' in a very self righteous way that I have copied and played out and that forced me to create many Characters as I always had to have an excuse, a reason for why I did what I did, when I moved out of the self imposed 'righteousness lines', and keep 'face' as an impartial Law Enforcer.
My mum always sided with the poor and derelict, when I was about 5 we went for a visit within the free health system and saw a doctor abusing an old lady, she stepped in, a fight erupted and then she shouted 'Ele get the doctor, bite him' and I went on my fours and bit him on the leg. This memory is not clear in my mind as a picture, it is clear as a story that I heard told with pride many times as to say me and my mum made a good team, we were the 'abusers busters', we would get them soon or later, it was OUR mission.
This is an important point because it shaped the way I became arrogant, since the route to abuse the weak and get away with it, in terms of negative emotions and self judgements, was closed for me, I turned my arrogance on the bigger fishes, this did not mean that I had given up feeling more than the weak ones, of course I did, I just suppressed it because I had understood that that point was not rewarded in my family, while taking on the 'big guys' was, so I developed a particularly arrogant/defiant stance everytime I was faced with Authority or authority figures and I got to feel superior to both, the weak, on whom I did not play out my arrogance since it would have been like shooting on the red cross, and the big guys, for which I had received not only authorization but I had been knighted into that position by the approval of my family.
Anoher memory that was a standing story in my family is of when I was a kid and we went to the circus, they introduced the tigers, one came very close to us while I sat in the front row with my grandparents, there was the cage all around the circus platform and I stood up on the chair, held out my hand and said 'move backward tiger'. This story was another point of superiority of my childhood, I was the Tiger Tamer Protector of the weak and derelicts, while I got away with feeling above everyone else who had never Tamed a Tiger or stood up to the 'big guys'.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop a schizophrenic personality in which, since I felt inferior to my classmates of my private school due to 'where we lived', which was a sign of not belonging to 'wealth', every day when I returned from school, I would go back among the 'less fortunate ' -like me- and play the more fortunate than them, thanks to the secret money I had in my pocket for which no account had to be given and could be spent freely on my wishes and desires
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel thorn between the Poor Daughter Character and the Rich Granddaughter Character, having already put value on Money above everything else, as the Value Tool of this world, and wanting to be part of the Haves and not of the Have Nots, seeking for my own Value outside and in separation from myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel important and more valuable than others because, due to my secret Money position, I had the power to decide who was right and wrong within the courtyard and to favour my friends in my wise judgements, just like the grown ups with Money did, thanks to the Money in their pockets
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have power over other kids in my courtyard because I accepted and allowed myself to feel dis-empowered at School and I believed I had to make up for it somehow
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that collecting things that others desired and coveted and having loads more than them, gave me value above them, instead of seeing and realizing I was becoming the proud little Slave of the Consumerist society I was born into
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold a grudge against I. when she introduced herself in my home while we were out, and stole half of my water tattoos, the most beautiful ones according to my personal preferences, and for scratching my head for days about where had they gone, how did I lose them until she told me she had come in and taken them and I felt betrayed, instead of seeing that it was me making the things I owned so special and myself so special that other kids wanted a share in my own 'power' and that I was the one not willing to give and share
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel proud when I pleased my mother by attacking the 'evil abusive doctor' by biting him on the leg and for feeling humiliated when she wouldn't stop telling the story because not everybody reacted with her same pride and I started to think I had done something wrong/shameful, behaving like my mother's dog and I couldn't take it back
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was a special Tiger Tamer because I stood up on the chair at the Circus and told the Tiger to back off, and since my grandparents kept telling the story to underline how brave and special I was I ended up believing it, wanting to believe it, and felt proud and superior to all the Non Tiger Tamers around me, which was about everybody
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that I was arrogant as a child as well and that I was not special, but I wanted to be special so I could place myself above others and Stop feeling inferior because I lived in the government housing, while the kids at my school lived at nice private apartment complexes
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live a double Life of Inferiority and Superiority since I was a kid, Hoping to feel better about myself by putting other kids down, showing them who was boss and who held the till, which meant Power, and for not seeing or realizing that I was driven by the fear of not being Good Enough for the private Catholic school where my mum sent me with great financial sacrifices so I would be off the streets in the afternoon, while I felt the strain of the Comparison with other kids' Wealth and felt underprivileged about going there and having to face the Comparison within me every day
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play this point against the kids in my courtyard, underlining and rubbing in their faces that I was privileged because I was going to private schooling while all of them had to suck it up at the public schooling system, as another point of superiority that I could hold on to, to make myself feel better and to balance out my perception of being underprivileged by Wealth comparison to my classmates
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that My Secret Money made me special, that Money had the value to make or break a life and that I was lucky to have access to Money and not have to fend for myself like the other kids in my courtyard, who were willing to do anything, including sucking up to me, to share in my Money and get an ice cream which gave me the utimate power over them to make or break their day
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep the Money I was given secret, because my mum would ask me to be accountable for it, or ask me to save it, or ask me to share it, and I did not want to do any of these things because this Money was my entry ticket to heaven and to power over others and I was not willing to give it up for her stupid moralistic stances
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I disliked my mother because she would not get me an ice cream unless she had the money to get one to all the kids who were playing with me, and I found this humiliating because she should have kept ME in mind and not the other kids, who had their own parents, which was one of the reason why I did not tell her I had access to small fortunes monthly so I could spend it on me and my selfish desires and not share with other kids
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I disliked my mum because of the way I felt when she insisted about sharing and I knew I was keeping everything to myself in secret, and her wanting for me to be equal to the other kids angered me because I had to give up my being special and my perceived power over them and within this i forgive myself for believing I was angry at my mum while all the time I was just angry with me for my selfishness and desire to NOT share and be Equal to the other kids
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I disliked my mum when at Christmas she would make me give away some of my toys and regardless of my cleverly thought out tactics to NOT give them up, such as saying "I can't choose honestly, I love them all', she would then ask my friends to my home and have them choose among my presents what They Liked, and since I had said I could not choose, I had given up my right to say 'NOT THAT ONE' and I would have to sit seething while they took my favourite ones while I had to pretend that I had understood why we were doing that, while I didn't because I wanted to keep them all to myself since they had been given to ME
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put my selfish desires to have it all, above sharing Equally with others which is what is happening in the world today within the Money System
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at my mum when I perceived she was pushing and then forcing me to be generous and share against my will, instead of seeing and realizing I was angry at myself because I could of course see the common sense of sharing with other kids as I could not anyway play with 10 dolls, I just didn't want to, and I did not want to feel bad about it either as I feared to be judged/ judge myself as a selfish heartless bitch
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a selfish heartless bitch as a kid and for blaming my mum for my own self judgement of myself as a selfish heartless bitch
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself throughout my life to pretend that I did not feel superior to the poor and derelicts, having imprinted inside of me the point that it was in fact NOT socially acceptable or rewarded in any way, and for using the 'big guys' as authority figures as an outlet for my arrogance that I could not display to the poor and derelicts, while I lived a life of superiority in fear of my own accepted and allowed inferiority, due to not having been born wealthy and having seen realized and understood at an early age, what Money can do for you, and for then having suppressed the Money Point so I would not have to face my desire for it as a Tool that opens up choices and gives one the Freedom to Live
I commit myself to let go of the memories of my childhood and the moments in which I have participated in the inferiority and superiority games, as I see, realize and understand that we were preprogrammed to play these games and then we went into self programming as I engaged the superiority/inferiority construct fearing to be inferior to other kids that had more than me
I commit myself to stop my participation in and as the Arrogance System, in which I look for points to make myself feel more than others, resulting from fears and memories of moments in which, within the same picture situation, I felt inferior to others
I commit myself to investigate this Arrogance Character that led me to isolation and separation because I perceived and wanted to believe that no one was never good enough for me, while in self honesty I see that I was the one fearing to not be good enough for anyone
I commit myself to stop my existence as Not Good Enough that leads to my desire to prove that I am Good Enough and then I add a load to prove that I am in fact MORE than good enough because I am More and Better than others so I do not have to fear feeling less and Not Good Enough
I commit myself to flag the point of Authority Figures as I have seen that this is where I engage this Character and with 'Suppliers' as I believe the Money gives me the right to demand, and when not deliverd to be arrogant pointing out that I am not 'a happy customer' but a disappointed one, so they get to feel bad because I did not get to feel good having been treated as special with special rights deserving special respect
I commit myself to let go the idea that I have to seek value for myself within the Money System, because I have accepted and allowed myself to believe as a Child that there was Value in Money and things and not in me, instead when I see myself about to participate in the Money Value system, I remind myself that I was programmed to view reality through the Money System or the game of this world could not be played if all of us woke up to our own Self Value as Life Here in every moment of Breath, and stopped our existence of separation as the illusion that we are not in fact One Here, as we have to wake up so we can fix the mess that this world has become
I commit myself to stand for and as Life and do my part in and as the Money System, to stop the Value Game so that we may Equalize everything, bringing all the misplaced Values back to Self, for myself as What is best for All and Existence Equal and One.
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