Thursday, August 30, 2012

Day 133, Why do Men Hate Us So Much?

Today I read an heartbreaking article about violence on women, again.

I am actually tired of reading such articles, I am tired of reading news about the cruelty of humanKind that we insist to call 'Kind', I would like to let loose, get up and kick the wall, scream and shout and participate in the backlash gender hatred, so we show them, so we gain back our ground, because the lady writer, Soraya Chemaly says, "Women Are Not in Possession of Themselves".

Maybe the point is the opposite, Women are Possesses themselves by this Gender War, Equality cannot be given, it must be found within and claimed within, while we seems to believe that the World is happening Outward only and that since we belong to a specific gender, we have to stand by this gender and be the Abused as the Abused, for solidarity, for companionship.

But that would mean to share the hatred, the debits and credits ledger of the Gender Role, which is just another Possession as the precise point of our world, where everyone is getting back to one another for something, for not having delivered the experiences we wished to have, for something we have interpreted as demeaning, offensive, diminishing, harmful, selfish, like in this instance a woman saying 'NO, I won't fuck you' or going further back, a woman who said 'taste this Apple, it's delicious' and wham, Paradise was lost and she was forever blamed, a hell of a time to hold a grudge.

I'm tired of reading why some people did what they did as we dig into their history, family history, childhood history, school grades history, memories, traumas, all in the hope to find reasons to justify horrendous acts of violence and cruelty against Life, as we try to make sense of a world and a Race we are all participating within that in fact makes no sense at all. What if we became responsible Human Beings instead of accepting who we have been and what we experienced and believed to be 'Important' as our History to shape our present and our Futures, who enjoys being the Abused or the Abuser if not a sick Mind and if we are sick, why don't we look for how can we stop being sick, whichever line of the sickness we are breathing life into, does it really matter?

The writer says


Next time you are at a party, look around and remember:

  • More than half of school-age girls experience sexual harassment.
  • Sixty-nine percent of American women surveyed report that they do not look people in the eye when they walk in public streets, in order to avoid harassment.
  • Between 85 and 99 percent of all women experience varying degrees of street harassment.
  • One in four women in the U.S. experiences violence at the hands of a partner in her lifetime.
  • One in three in the world will.
  • One in five women is a survivor of sexual assault and rape."

Which is just another invitation to remember, remember who we are, what we have gone through, remember our place within this society, we are bound to be harassed, beaten, violated and then, some tragically get raped and murdered.

So really, one question would be, Why do men Hate Us So Much?

What is it within this gender War that makes Men think and believe that if they could not 'use' a woman to have the 'experience' they were wishing for, no one should have her and so it wold be right and appropriate to throw acid in her face, to melt her face away, the face they desired and could not get for themselves, what is it that in the mind of men that justifies the violence, the harassment, the beatings, the acid, the rapes and then the trashing of a perceived worthless Life?

Is it because they are motherfuckers, as in the sense of fucked by their mothers to start with, that they grew up to hate women to such an extent that their lives are lived searching for reasons to get even, to square the gender books, get the upper hand that they ended up believing was in fact in the hands of women as they held the power to grant or refuse their desires, to grant and refuse their worthiness that they invested in a woman with no return, ending up more worthless than before desiring her and then blaming her for how they experienced themselves within Their Mind?

Recently I was looking at the point that I do not know how to explain Self Forgiveness in Italian, as if it the problem was with the Self Forgiveness because it brings up Shame and honestly who wants to be facing the shame of this existence when we can pretend to Love each other, until we don't and I desire to throw acid on your face, to delete you, to delete my sense of being inadequate of not having made the mark all the way up into your bed, into your arms for the solace I was seeking and believed you could give me and yet you refused me, as I refused myself.

What is Self Forgiveness then, that it's so hard to explain because God Forbid, it may bring up the Shame that is in fact existent within All of Us for such a World as the One we have created and participated within, Self Forgiveness is a tool to delete the past and our energetic ties to it that have turned into the strings that move us as puppets into a life that we believe we own, but that it's owning us as The Mind, as we puppeteer ourselves from one experience to another, from one Character to another, busy with gender roles of manhood and womanhood that are obviously abusive in the best cases and criminals when things get out of hand. We NEED Self Forgiveness to stop this SHIT, we need to forgive ourselves as our ledger of debits and credits, because if we do not, women might go out and start to douse men in petrol ad sit and watch them burn to hell, or cut their dicks and feed them to ducks, like they already do in Thailand, so that they won't be found and stitched back, unless you stitch the whole duck back where the dick was, they may wait after a lifetime of beatings until they spike a strawberry milkshake for the abusive husband and when he falls asleep they bash their head in with a golf club, like it happened to a perfectly 'apparently well adjusted wealthy family' in Hong Kong, because this is where we are headed, as everyone has plenty of apparently good reasons to hate one another, and get even, men may be underestimating the seeds of the hatred they are watering with their abuses and the payback that may come when enough is enough.

So, at the stage where we have arrived, there can no longer be forgiveness, this is obvious, what we have done to each other within this existence and in the specific our gender wars has just crossed any possible forgiveness line, we are left with forgiving ourselves, so we can stop claiming credits or believing that we have debts to pay that line up the abuses for us to experience until we see, that the Grace of this world cannot come from the Creator who has long ago fled the scene, it must come from us, to see that we are Equals, to step out of the Roles that either make us the Abusers or the Victims and to be precise both at different times, to stop turning abuses into the fuel for furthering abuses so that This World May Change.

So, to the Women of this World, it is not for us to remember, remembering led us here, to the cutting of dicks and the burning men alive and the bashing their heads in with golf clubs, and yet no change is visible but more fury and violence, as violence begets violence, and hatred begets hatred, and to stop We have to stop and realize that We have to forgive ourselves for the roles we played within the abuses, and to forgive others unconditionally as we can't give to ourselves what we are Not willing to give to others, so the for-giveness is the road to for-getting, because for-getting we must for-giving, isn't the irony of all of this just too much for us to not get it?

If you are a victim of Abuse start your Journey of Self Forgiveness as The Journey to Life, Life has no Credits and Debs as Life is Here, not lost in the Past of memories or the Future of Hopes. 
The Past is Over, You are Here, Breathe, Self Forgive, Life is Not Over until the Last Breath and who you turn out to be is up for You to decide.
Abused, Abuser or Life One and Equal?

Self Forgiveness to Follow Tomorrow

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Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Day 132 - For-Giving the Desteni Character








I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fear the Desteni Message, because this message implies Self responsibility and I fear having to become Self responsible for myself and the World, Equal and One

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to superimpose my previous knowledge and information about Doomsday, Reward and Punishment, onto the Desteni information within an attempt to decode what the message was about, in fear that I would not be able to understand it, unless I interpreted it through everything I knew and believed to be The Truth prior to joining Desteni

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear dropping my knowledge and information and stand in and as Breath to HERE/HEAR the Desteni message because I believed that unless I decoded it through prior knowledge and information, I could not understand it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear death and the Afterlife and for believing that since there has been a change in the Hierarchy of Heaven, I better side up with the ones who hold the key to the New AfterLife System so I would, as Marlen said, get VIP tickets for the AfterLife

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to walk this process for one year in utter Fear and Petrification because that was preferable to having to deal with this fear that I have of still existing after death and having to spend time with myself through eternity as a stranger that I fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that, if I would stop and get rid of this Fear, I would just say goodbye to Process because it's fear that has kept me moving and I have not yet established myself to move as a self directive principle in any way

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I can't get off Process because I have nowhere to go but Here, which is a place I am not yet experiencing in and as Breath but in and as Fear and thus, unpleasant

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own definition of Process as a boring place where people are doing nothing else but forgiving themselves for their imaginary faults, as I still relate forgiveness to wrongdoings because I was born a Catholic and I have allowed and accepted myself to carry the shame and guilt loaded point of forgiveness as I under-stood it as a kid

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am still missing the forgiving point as I don't stand Equal to my Forgiveness yet but under-stand my Forgiveness and while I have experienced energetic release I still have to drag myself everyday through this process due to my own definition of Forgiveness and 'Process'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand One and Equal to For-Giveness as Me giving back to me, as in Earthing the energies that I invested into Characters that I played throughout my Life, to give back, to for-give, the resources that I have taken in this journey of Lies in Self Interest for the purpose of experiencing myself as energy instead of being Life Here in and as Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that Breath is not enough, that there should be something more, better, more exciting, failing to see that I have just bought into 'ideas' that were sold to us about Life and what Life should be vs what Life is

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fear that if I did not join Process something terrible would happen to me, proving that I have joined this Process in and as Fear and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I don't even know what I am doing or attempting to do with and through this process because I have taken process to be a Task, and as a Task is lacking 'directions', instead than a Change that I have to become to reflect my Self Correction as Oneness and Equality for What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I skip one day of writing something bad will happen to me, instead of seeing Writing as the Self Support that I give to myself every day to not accumulate backchat that then holds me into an ever tighter grip the day after

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I won't make it because I have too many years of Fake Life under my belt and that I may not have the stamina to walk backward to undo all my participation in this Lifetime in and as Energy, instead of seeing and realizing this is just another Character because once I am clear that there is nowhere to go but ahead this can only be the Self Sabotage Character that I try to play so I can justify why I don't want to walk to give up all of myself and for this I forgive myself


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about process and to tell myself that this is alright 'because I'm just thinking about process' even though I am clear on the point that I won't be able to get out of this mess Inward and Outward through Thinking, no matter how worthy of being thought my thoughts are

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I am not a robot, because I dislike the idea of being a Robot as I feel diminished every time I associate myself with the word 'Robot', as I have associated Robots with Non Life while I believed to be alive and I do not want to face the point that I am not alive yet and I won't be until I am the willing Prey of the Mind/Consciousness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that the word 'destonian' is stupid, as it is so obvious there should have been an 'e' there as Destenian, just because I dislike 'O's in the middle of name, having my name 2 'O's which I have associated with Masculine as all Italian masculine singular words end in 'O' and so I resented for many years my name with 2 masculine vowels when I am a woman and should have been given the 'a' and 'e' and then for creating this disliking for 'O's in the centre of names which is one of the reason why I think that I dislike this name

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, due to my own definition of the word Destonian as separation since not everyone is a Destonian while I am just starting to grasp that we are equal and then I have to deal with a new label and I think this is irritating and Elitist and I don't want to be a part of that, maybe if they were Destenians who knows, I wouldn't have had such a mind tantrum but for now I think I don't want to be a part of it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that when I get on the Forum and see the thread Ask a Destonian, that they are asking someone else, and not me, as that label doesn't identify me and so when I read the Forum I read it to see the answers of Destonians, never to reply as I think I am not one of 'these' and so it doesn't apply to me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think up a new definition of myself and other Destonians as Desteni People, as I think and believe I don't like this name to use even for other Destonians, as it looks silly and sounds silly with the 'O', which seems to be a big deal only when I think about it as I see now that I write that it is not important how others see me as a Destonian with an 'O' or with an 'e' since it is about the message and not about Desteni at all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I fear what others think of me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think 'this name looks silly, sounds silly' when I read the name Destonian for the first time and forever after and within this I forgive myself for judging words and names as silly just because of my personal preference and likes/dislikes of a vowel over another in this particular example as I see realize and understand that it has nothing to do with this name but everything to do with me and how I experienced myself stuck with 2 'O's in my name being born a woman in a gender sensitive country, perceiving myself as diminished as a woman and pushed through the thin line of maledom just by 2 simple meaningless circles

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think 'enough already with this depressing Consciousness talk', let's talk about something else, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that we cannot talk about something else until Consciousness is All We Are

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think there must be some shortcuts out of this, what the fuck, 7 years to nothingness, plus 7 years to rewrite ourselves as Oneness and Equality plus another 7 years for the Equal Money System to become manifested, while I am in a rush to get to Life, even though I don't even know what that means, I just want this to be over as all Tasks have a dead line and this seems way too long

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about this process in terms of Time, as that there is a specific Time that must go by and that it takes Time which then leads me to feel impatient, because I don't have Time, Time is Money, I want to use my Time doing something else, instead of realizing I am doing Time as I write, because Earth is The Correction Facility of the Universe for those that abused Life for Self Interest

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think 'come on people, can we spend 28 years doing THIS', as in Process, as in Self forgiving our very Life as we live it, instead of seeing and realizing we are keeping forgiving ourselves because we are not stopping the abuse yet and we'll have to do that until we in fact STOP

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think 'isn't this a bit far fetched that we should be doing this and tell others we are changing the world, where no evidence of this change is manifested outward in fact?" instead of seeing and realizing that this is the Question to ask myself as we won't see any change until We Change, which means, I/We have Not Changed yet At All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that there is No way that I can explain Self Forgiveness in Italian bypassing the Atonement, Shame and Guilt that results from speaking and hearing this word, instead of seeing and realizing that it is me still reacting to this word in Italian as something that is connected to guilt and shame and atonement, and that for-giving ourselves will be loaded with shame and guilt until we do not have a Secret Agenda for-giving, such as Atonement for 'feeling good' purposes, but we will unconditionally For-give ourselves as the New System that we are Creating and manifesting One and Equal to Us to For-Give everyone One and Equal, which will manifest a system of For-Giveness such as the Equal Money System


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Imagine how shameful it would be if we won't make it and I will have to stand facing my delusion of Our Ability to Change the System, instead of realizing that this shows me that I still fear and see the System as something separate from me and because I cannot see how such a small group of people can impact the external system as a separate system I move into the paranoid state that I may be delusional and that I may have boarded just about another train to Nothingness, where the group may be disbanded in a few years and just say 'sorry we were too ambitious and did not see clearly our limitations' and I will be left with nowhere to go

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine the worst, as a habit that I took on when I decided that imagining the best leads always to disappointments, and so in fear of being disappointed I imagine the worst and fill my Time with 'what ifs'' that show me that I'm just undertaking an impossible task and I have moved from the Love and Light delusion to the Desteni delusion


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in backchats regarding process and the interviews I listen to, in which I try to make up opinions about what is being said that I can turn into my advantage as knowledge and information, instead of just stopping consistently my participation in backchat as part of My Commitment to Life and to Changing Myself to realign to Oneness and Equality and what is best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in my backchat about how I will never stick to anything for 7 years and why am I even trying, because the longest thing I stuck to was my marriage and that was a lot of grief and I can't see myself going through so much grief again for 7 long years

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in my backchat about what can I expect out of this process, as the milder version of 'What's in it for me' in which I look for something, anything that could motivate me for such a length of time as the carrot to dangle in front of myself and within this accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am not and will not be able to be the directive principle of me motivating myself without the need or desire for Energetic feedback, and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the backchat that asks what can we do to make money as a group, without seeing and realizing that I am still backchatting myself with the purpose to self sabotage myself, because I know I cannot see solutions for money making as a group as I approach this point as a business and look then for business ventures that I have not been able to find yet, as every business venture related to this group would mean our self compromise while we are standing not in judgement of self compromise, as we are all compromised by our daily acceptance and allowance of this Economics system of Inequality, but as a point of no compromise for the lure of Money as Energy, which means it will take time to build a solid money base that is not Energy generated but labor generated

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that some backchats are in fact coming as 'ideas' to provide solutions, while in fact I have not yet had any solutions from any backchat but just troubles that I then had to live out and walk as consequences of dis-connected and dis-eased Mind's backchat designs


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in fear when I have to explain the process of Self Forgiveness as I fear that do not have the right words to say what I want to say about it and then I end up saying something I did not mean to say just because I have not yet taken the time to look into all aspects of this Self Forgiveness for myself so I can align my words to me as process and not fear having to talk about it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react as anxiety every time a new tasks comes up to do in the mailing list or in the LF, as I immediately project myself into a Time Frame and how much Time it will take to get something done and then I feel anxiety and the desire to just walk away

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with impatience when faced with something new to be done because I see that I don't even have enough Time to do what I have on my plate and how can I possibly take on anything else, instead of seeing noone is asked to do more than they can in self honesty, considering their life and what they have to attend to as well as a priority to build a stable life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in guilt if and when I do not do everything that I have decided I must do everyday to be effective within process and then when I do not I react feeling like a failure because I could/should have done more but I did not

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in guilt if and when I judge myself for not having done enough because I have associated process with Schindler's List and US as The Saving the World A-Team, and so every minute wasted is another Life that could have been saved from the Holocaust of the Mind, instead of seeing and realizing that I am creating such pressure for myself that I have turned this process into Agony and my walk into the Passion of Christ, where if possible I experience myself worse than before starting Process which could be a sign that I am doing something wrong, such as Not Stopping my participation in and as the Mind for One


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel a physical tightening in the solar plexus every time something about process comes up, as I have built so much bullshit about it that I dread even the word as the trial I put myself through every day, which is so far away from Self Forgiveness I should have got the hint and corrected myself and my approach to process, as just a system that has been written to support us with guidelines about How to Walk effectively Out of The Mind and into the Physical

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the Physical to such an extent that I seldom get what my body is going through as I lose myself into the Mind "Thinking" about what my body is going through, instead of being Here with and as my Body so I can get the straight no bullshit feedback as I walk my process as me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can think about the physical and become aware through my mind about what the physical is trying to tell me, instead of moving myself back into the Physical in and as Breath and as One and Equal check what is going on as helpful Substantial feedback


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live one year with a knot into my stomach as the consequence of how and why I started this process, failing to see that it is the physical that has already been paying the consequences so far, and that stopping myself as The Mind must mean that The Physical no longer suffers and that if and when I have a physical discomfort as a consequence of something I myself have set in motion, I must Stop, Breathe, Breathe, Breathe, until I, as One with the Physical, can assess which con-sequence I am walking, so I can stop creating it as this is what this process is about, it is the stopping of Consequences, as we stop the past to stop creating the future and ourselves into a Time Loop of Consequences that we can instead STOP creating as we see and investigate the origin and starting point and stand in and as The Correction that will stop the creation of Consequences we have existed in and as so far

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to overlook the Consequences that I am walking as I believe that if I look away they will go away, as I see realize and understand they are not going away because I am not stopping my participation in those things that are in fact creating those consequences as a result of my fears and separation and that I have to commit myself to stand consistently, slowing myself down to stop, to make sure I don't miss out on the point of what it is that we are doing, as stopping our existence in and as The Mind of Polarity/Duality as only the stepping out of our Polarity and Duality Worlds will allow us to find ourselves at the same starting point, Here, in and as The Physical, where Oneness and Equality already exists, in and as Breath, waiting for us to catch up.

Self Commitments to Follow tomorrow 

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Monday, August 27, 2012

Day 131: The Desteni Character

I am very glad that we have started this topic about investigating this particular Character.

When I first met Desteni I had realized that something was seriously wrong with this World, the point of Money and Profit and how WE are All profiteers was not yet within my awareness, I had just reached the stage in which I saw All Others as Profiteers that were just out for themselves.

I landed to Desteni through Conspiracy Theories, some of these should not be called Theories since there is clearly a World Agenda that is not considering Humanity or Life At All, yet I did not see the part I played in it. I am not yet clear about it even now as I write, a point that makes me fear to approach some of the 'Existential Writings' as I am still dwelling and lost within my own 'personal' shit that I can't fathom seeing me as part of the Economics Problem for example or the Money System.

I had the privilege to translate just 1 Chapter of the Equal Money System book, I cannot even recall why we did not go ahead, possibly other things to do came up, we went for FAQ translations, yet when I read that one Chapter a part of me saw the interconnectedness of All Things, and how WE as Humans do play a role within the Money system as the system itself. It was just undeniable and right in my face.

Some days when this 'process' seems overwhelming I remind myself that at the beginning I could not even understand Equal Money for the Life of me, I told this on Forums, I even told that I just don't know what is it to live as Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All. None of Us walking this Journey to Life project knows yet, because we have Not Yet Lived it, we are not IT yet, we can only try and fail to conceptualize it as knowledge and information.

In time I have made Equal Money something that I understand as Me, it is the Equality of Me granting the right to Life to All Living beings on Earth through an act of realignment of my priorities.

Which opens up another can of worms, I don't know what kind of Life I am aiming for, what to expect Equal Money will change for real and how this is going to happen in the Physical, this has not diminished in any way the point that this should be the goal of All of Us, to come united for All Life on Earth, to stop our ideas of Separation and stand as One.

Today I read Gian's Blog, Living a Commitment, and I realized I do not live my commitments, because Process for me is a To Do Thing, it's a Task that I do as a decision that I took to stand for Life, and that while I have corrected the "in my face" points of self Abuse since I joined Desteni, I have as well evolved this Character through phases.

The first one was my Desteni Taliban phase, during which I have terrorized Family and friends with blabbing about the End of Times and death and reality Not Being real, to my Hong Kong friends I told Hong Kong would be wiped out and to pack up and move, I sent in the big guns as the Portalling of Nostradamus I seem to remember, Hong Kong it's still there, which just added to the idea of lunacy I have spread around while in this Phase that led me to in fact Hope it would be wiped out so they would see that I was in fact Right. One point that proved the Desteni message about Earth being an Ass-ylum and us being both Mental cases and basically plain Ass-holes, because if we were not we would have already stood up for a solution to this world where 22000 children starve every day to death and 2.7 bil people don't have access to clean water and sanitation just because we drool after a System where the capital of the World has become Money and Life has gone on sale, that we are Assholes seems self evident.

Then I had the Desteni Isolated Character, in fear of mixing with the World and not being able to keep my big mouth shut and do further damage, now I have moved into the Desteni wise Old Soul, having granted myself the validity of my application through the time I lasted, to my surprise.

Yet, within all this Characters I have not lived, I forgot to Live because Living is what I fear most, death always seemed such a comfort that I do not yet know how to do this Living thing and I keep forgetting the breathing, even if I write it to myself as a reminder every day, Breathe, and then I go and don't do it.

And the NOT breathing piles up into anxiety, as I reduce this 'walk' to a task that I must undertake, finish, see to the end, do as much as I can, accumulating guilt for what I do not do, don't read enough Blogs, post enough things, participate openly enough, not a good team player, basically I took Desteni as my new bashing tool, it's been way more effective than Religion as I hold on to the same fears that brought me Here to walk this walk, the fear that I won't Die and will have to live again after Death, the fear that I have nowhere to go if I decide to step off the Desteni coach to Oneness and Equality because I am stuck within 2 realities none of which yet works out in any way close to any idea I had of a Good Life.

And then the question in the back of My Mind: when do I get to live?

So I keep myself busy, I write, do my assignments, take on projects so I won't have to live through those awkward moments when the question 'now what?' comes up, as I project myself into this Internet based life in which I don't seem to have anything else that is meaningful, so many words that carry ideas and images of a Life that I never had and without knowing what I am shooting for, because how can I walk a Path without a Direction and is Oneness and Equality a Direction even when I don't even understand what that means yet?

So my Desteni Character is made with the Dream of a World that is Best for All and the Fears that we won't get there, that we won't be good enough, eloquent enough, standing as an example well enough to show how this is possible, is made of the fear that I am walking an unknown Path to an unknown Destination and that I won't understand if what I am doing is on 'the right path' as we are all together walking a Pathless Path to what we have seen that has to be done, because this World is a madhouse and a whorehouse, where all of us are on sale for the purpose to Live, is THIS Life?

And then the fear that I cant quit anymore, that I boarded a trip I cannot get off from because the 'off' from this trip is just Off, there is nothing behind and nothing ahead yet.

Tomorrow I will walk my self forgiveness for how I have walked this process so far, to remove from it my definitions and resistances to seemingly small points, the word "Destonian", which I don't like because it has an O where an E should be, like in my name, and I don't want to identify with it as it reverberates within my Mind of sects and cults, or the resistance to the idea of the Robot that makes me react every time a 'system is explained in detail' as I don't want to accept that this is what I have reduced myself to, or the word Mind Consciousness System that I am tired to even Hear, or the Word 'Process' which in Italian translates as 'trial' as in a Court of Law, within which I live in the constant frightening idea that is more than a Court of Law, it's a Martial Court, in which I condemn myself even before I stand trial, and that this has to turn from a Trial into a Doing, because this way is not working and I will have to restart like Gian, from Who I am within this and I won't be able to see what is going on within myself until I slow myself down enough to see what is it that thing that I am doing all day long, what is it that keeps me preoccupied in my Mind about NOT being Able to stop the thinking, what is it that stands in the way of me applying what I am committing to if not Me? And then see the Whys, so I can see the Hows, as it will be only facing Me as The Problem that Me as The Solution can be Revealed.

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Sunday, August 26, 2012

Day 130: For-Giving the (Self) Molestation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, since I could not express myself as sexuality as a Child, I hoped and desired that men would come along who seemed to have the key to my sexuality as 'men were in charge of sex' according to the images of sex I saw and imprinted myself with, so I could experience myself sexually with them, through them, without having to carry the guilt and shame for giving in to sex to satisfy my curiosity, and for then suppressing this desire because the desire to experience myself sexually was 'bad", ending up turning these desires into suppressed and hidden thoughts, images and memories that were charged with self judgement, shame and guilt

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and shameful within the desire to experience myself sexually as a child because I accepted and allowed myself o be imprinted with my mother's view on sex and how it was that sex is done with a man, which then created the thought and desire, 'bring a man here then'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that desire to interact with an 'unknown' man would give birth to molestation as I made myself the target for 'unknown men' to approach me as the answer to my suppressed thoughts of which I was not aware of consciously where they were themselves drawn to me as a match to me and my secret hidden thoughts/desires

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that since I was 'bad' for holding such secret desires, without being able to see realize or understand HOW those desires were formed through suppression, I deserved all the molestation that I got

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to molest myself with pictures and images of sex that I would look for and file within and as me to prove to myself that 'others did it' and I was not so bad after all, without seeing realizing and understanding that those pictures through which I would experience myself in shame and guilt would build up and turn into self molestation of myself as my Mind and give birth to the molested Character who in turn would attract Molesters

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate sex in my early years of sexual expression to shame and guilt which made me enraged which in turn sought for targets which became men as The Molesters, for which I ended up perceiving I felt a deep hatred that I pushed down and hid as I did not want to be bad for hating someone and not 'forgiving' the weaknesses of men because 'all men are like that, they just want to get in your pants', while in fact I didn't and just accumulated hatred and contempt for their inability to keep their hands to themselves not seeing or realizing the part that I played in our interactions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that since I had so much hatred for men and the continuous consistent abuse that I perceived they were inflicting on me when I walked down the streets as a Child, or when I ate a banana, or when I was just on a bus going to school, in a movie theatre watching a movie, within a friend's circle when suddenly one would behave in a way that I perceived as a trespassing, and for looking at them as Inferior Creature who were led by their Dicks, without seeing realizing and understanding that if they are led by their dicks, they must be led TO something/someone who matched their desires, and that it was me leading them on because a Victim must have an Abuser

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my own self hatred, for having given up Life for The Mind of thoughts, feelings and emotions, onto men, making them responsible and blaming them for everything that went on within me as self Abuse, so I would not have to be responsible of how I experienced myself and stand to correct myself to stop the experience of me as bad, shameful, guilty, regarding sexuality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed and angry when my mum said 'there must be something wrong with you if it keeps happening to you' as I took that as a judgement as a reflection of my own self judgement regarding myself and my hidden sexuality, missing out on the opportunity to in fact NOT take it personally which would have allowed me to see that there was something wrong with me in fact and that was what I had stored in me as me and then went and lived out in the Physical World

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to speak up, in fear of losing the privilege of being liked and desired by men who represented the key and the door to my sexuality and so never wanting to close any door, just in case, just wording excuses such as, you are like a brother ' there is nothing wrong with you, it's me' and the list goes on, without seeing realizing and understanding that to NOT be Self Honest and tell myself What is the Freaking Pay back of all this Molestation, which of course was the point of being desired, an Ogre would do, I ended up blaming myself even when I had been trying to be as clear as possible, within the limitation of seductress character that I secretly played at all times around men

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to come to the con-clusion, that since it did not seem possible to have men keep their hands to themselves, their nasty comments, wolf whistles and generally any demeaning act they could come up with, I should capitalize on it and get on the command deck, where I would stir and move the manipulation of the Dickheads into the Direction that best served me as in, if you can't beat them, manipulate them and get something out for yourself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept such a world as 'normality' even when as a kid the suppressed sexual tension between all interactions physically scared me as I could see it weaved into every and any conversation, topic, attitude and yet no one else seemed to notice that there were 2 things leading the world and none of them were in the Hands of Women as Money and Sex, and I concluded we better get smart about it and in fact turn things around, either through Money to be able to stop the sexual favours we engage in at all times, given or promised or paraded and not delivered, or through Sex to get to the Money, because this world is a freaking fearful place to be without Money and Women were left with sex to get to the upper crust where the Money is, and so be it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reduce my sexual expression to a stock market, in which I was always trading something as it was driven into me that men wanted this thing I had to offer MORE than we did, or they would not offer to buy it, which tilted the market value of sex in my favour as the seller and that I should take full advantage of my position of being the owner of a stock which was so sought after and for which men were willing to give in, either the dough or something I could trade for a better, safer future

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand, that we were built this way as sex and as the way we would interact with each other, but we do not have to accept this as who we are, we can stop and stand and say, I no longer trade for sex or money as a first individual step that we take to Change the World as Ourselves

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that, due to the extent of self judgement, shame and blame that I held toward myself when I saw that I crossed the line from Perceived Abused to Abuser, anything that came from men seemed in some way legitimized, not for the How I Carry Myself Without as in the excuse that I am not Making Up, wearing Heels or behaving in a seductive way, but for how I carry myself within, as the Abused Abuser, having molested myself to no end with sexuality issues stemming from suppression and judgement and so I have turned myself into a Light House for Molesters and Abusers as they see Me as I see/experience Me and then they see themselves as authorized to step into their Abuser Role as I move back into the Abused/Molested

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that, due to the way I perceived myself and my hidden secret participation in the Molester and Molested Game, I had no right to speak up and say NO, turning myself into the door mat of the Abusers Molesters as I ended up believing it was always my fault and that if I had not done this or that, said this or that, until it became a habit to look for what I did wrong while the Molester got away without notice, instead of standing up and voicing 'this is NOT what I want' because this issue has two sides, yet this is no Justification or a clean bill for Men who molest Children, as we are all the products of a very disturbed society and we have to STOP on both sides of the Coin and while I stop my participation as the Abused/Abuser I will voice what is acceptable and what is Not in My world and the world I want to live in as A World that is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when a man stands in self justification for molesting a Child by saying things like 'You Crazy Bitch' or 'You are Dreaming' or "I don't know what you are talking about', it is not for me to feel ashamed as if I were all these things he said and if I don't know what I am talking about to the point that I no longer talk at all, because heavy breathing on your neck, a hard dick against your ass and fondling your behind or doctors who are supposed to look at your foot and pull down your panties, do not need to be told what they are doing, as THEY KNOW what they are doing, which is abusing their position of power either as an Adult vs a Child or as a Representative of some Organization/Institution such as the Medical/Educational/Religious and that standing up and saying NO I do not accept this is important for me and them too to realize that whatever fantasy they are playing out, it's just that, Their fantasy, which has nothing to do with the physical reality and as we all come to terms with the fact that we are psychopaths within our own Minds abusing each other we can stop and stand to change the world for Life and what is best for All

I commit myself to speak up against Abuses as I correct myself as the Self Abuser I have become so that Inward and Outward the World can Change, which is what we are doing with the proposal of an Equal Money System, in which all Mental Illnesses and dis-eases will be addresses and supported for correction so everyone can be equally supported to live behind their life of Abuse for LIFE to build a World where we are in fact proud to live and not ashamed and terrified for what we have created that we now have to walk as a ConSequence into Self Correction

I commit myself to delete my past as it comes up in pictures/thoughts and memories as I see realize and understand that the Past is Over and that I can only change My Past by not repeating it into time/stupidity loops to show myself that I saw where and how I was participating within a specific point and that I took responsibility for it, so as to not leave behind myself a trail of distorted/diseased relationships as the ones I made up in my mind based on abuse as the abused/abuser and One + One as we correct ourselves it will reflect into our World outside and what becomes possible as we walk away from our limitations, one + one.

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Saturday, August 25, 2012

Day 129: Please Molest me, Give me a Reason to Live.

Today I had a visit from a friend of a friend, a fiscal advisor that lives in my building and that had told me he was interested in sharing ideas about Natural Medicine.

As I showed him my house he made a few attempts to either hold me by my waist or over my shoulder, I simply slid out of every attempt but did not speak up, instead I moved into a famiiar physical uncomfortability, interesting that now the formal laguage is no longer a step men have to cross before they try to grab you, hey I can call you Madam and molest you, something that requires my updating in the customs of this Country, when I left 17 years ago, the language was the first pass they would have to make to step into informality before they would touch you.

Then when I held out my hand to say bye bye, he grabbed me pulled me toward him and planted a kiss on my cheek, a sleazy one, my body went into rigor mortis and so he apologized and told me you are wonderful and left. How to con one's way out with a con-pliment ? When he left I felt this rage, I was so angry at myself as I saw myself not saying clearly 'what are you meaning with this behavior, or something else' right, I did not say anything because I don't know what to say. I have been molested since I was a kid, either grabbed on buses and rubbed against, walked in the park when an exhibitionist wanked himself looking at me and gesturing to go over there, yeah right, for one year when I was between 13 and 14 I had more molestation than I can recall, the bus was a place I entered fearing that it would happen again, as soon as it would fill up someone would come and rub against my ass, when I went and complained to my mother she said 'isn't it strange that it only happens to you?". The year before I was molested in my bedroom by our family friend, a monk who used to stay overnight that told me to go to his bed for a Confession.

I don't remember even starting the Confession rite, I remember instead him being horny and grabbing me to  try to put his hands under my nightie and forcing a kiss on my mouth until I stood up and went and locked myself into the bathroom, sat on the bathtub to think what would be the best course of action, waking up my mother was a nono, what if she blamed me ? She didn't that time, the Monk robe was flying out of the window by the time I reached the courtyard, but that was extreme. My mother saw the other molestations as my fault, I did not wear make up or high heels, never wore a skirt, just jeans and shirts, so how was that my fault exactly. yet  believed I must be doing something wrong, no matter what  tried, no eye contact, standing against the bus sides, nothing worked, when we could queue to get off, here they were, I noticed that most of them had blue eyes, tried the molester profiling in my head but you would always get the surprise to throw you off, the monk had brown eyes, he was a family friend since my birth, he was really difficult to profile and to be on guard about.

Today I felt the same way, violated, a thing and not a person, when this man later called me to tell me he did not have my mobile and how could he send me his number I gave it to him, while my anger at myself worsened, WHY the fuck would I give my number to this man, isnt' there a line to draw regarding the Politeness Belief System? Apparently NOT, I listened to his speech about how great it was to meet me, realized he had not picked up enough on my body rigidity and pulling back, when he said what a fantastic time he had and how I was this and that, but in fact I wasn't Hearing anything as I was seething with this feeling of 'how did you dare?' And as soon as I saw the chance I said 'and I am someone who doesn't want any story'.

What a fucking lame line? To which he said 'no, not a story that is heavy stuff, coffee, chatting, as friends'  which means no commitment just fucking, haha my own line backfired and pushed me into a corner, well done. Yet the point of the litanies and fairy tales of past molester staid with me, this sense of hatred that I have suppressed for men due to how I perceived myself everytime one of these events would take place, feelings of powerlessness, fear, no man is a safe place in fact, there are no borders they won't cross, it happened with one of my mum's partners as well, twice, the first time I did not tell, the second I did. My mum asked me to leave her house as she said that 'I was jealous of her sexuality', I was 18 and had a boyfriend and plenty chances for fucking, and No, she is Not a comedian.

That was the only time I spoke up in the moment, both the first and the second time.

So what is it about women and Molestation that makes us keep quiet, that we don't want to offend, that we fear we may be judged as 'sour puss" or 'wooden cunts' as they say in Italy, how did we come to this place where it is Women who have to justify everything, from molestation to Rape, to being attacked and abused, what is it that locks us into this perverse dance with the abusers?

Today I am angry, I am angry for all the times I have not stood up to a man and told him to keep his hands to himself, clearly, no double entendre to sweeten the pill, just the clear communication that I don't like what you are doing, so why are these words lacking from my vocabulary?

In all my history of molestation apart from my mum's partner, but that may have been coerced out of me due to the 'family tie', I stood up only once for a little girl on the bus when I saw a man approaching her and touching her, I saw it from her face, she said nothing but I told her to come and sit next to me, I gave him the evil eye and he got off at the next stop, for the rest I always went for the 'soft approch' when it happened on crowded buses I would try to slide away, leaving the molester to look for another victim, with the monk I got up and locked myself into the bathroom, with friends, colleagues wankers anyone, I have always and only diverted my attention and tried to 'make them understand' that I was not interested, choose words to blame me, sorry I am going through a difficult time, it's not about you it's about me, so I would not hurt their feelings through a rejection, because hei, even molesters have feeings, shouldn't we keep that into account?

Actually NO, we should stop considering their feelings AT ALL and stand up, make it CLEAR that handling women as if they were just things there for the handling is Not Acceptable, that molesting children is Not Acceptable because whatever is going on in Your fucking Mind You/We have got to deal with it, take responsibility for it, and not go out and just play out on others The Demons that we have let loose within our Minds.

Do you have the desire to molest women, to rub on them, to grab them against their will, to rape them?

Help yourself to STOP, We don't like it, it is your fucking fantasy that We do, reality is not a Porn movie, when you grab a woman against her will she will not turn around and Moan to show you how much she likes it or how long she has been waiting for you as her reason to live, she will instead feel violated, disrespected as a Human being and then angry at Herself for not having stood up and told you clearly that it is Not OK unless it is by mutual agreement and that silence doesn't mean agreement in any way whatsoever, and that what you are doing is not Sexy, you are just a DickHead putting your desire for sex above the understanding that unless is Mutual it's by default a NO and not, ever ever, a YES.

Self forgiveness and Self Commitment to stop this Play out in My Life to follow tomorrow
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