I'm experiencing resistance to reading the news, I'm tired of bad news and I can't seem to find the Good news anymore, where did they go?
Since I started to walk with Desteni and my world took a 360 degree turn I went from the happy go lucky stoned positive thinker to reading daily the World News with a grave heart.
I don't enjoy it one bit.
Some days, like these days, I experience myself as just wanting to say 'Enough already, I had enough, get me some cute stories about mommy bears and teddy bears because 'everyone needs a break now and then', how are we supposed to function within all 'this negativity' ?
This is my backchat, the one I want to suppress because really, is the world stopping the 'bad news' just because we stop reading them?
And Why do I experience myself this way if not because I have just moved polarity, from the carefree 'devilmaycare' attitude to the Character " I have to become Responsible = which I equate with boring and depressed, deep people are like that, never a dull moment or a moment of breath"
Funny because what we ALWAYS talk about within Desteni is Breath, Breathe, Breathing, but I'm too busy being responsible and deep for that, I have to raise my eyebrow and tut tut at the World and what is happening everywhere, this is what responsible people do, they struggle, they realize Life is a Bitch and then you Die.
So, how do I redefine this word 'responsible' so as to not be a Character that I drag around and drags me around until I get to the 'Enough Already' and desire to go on a binge of some kind to 'take a break'?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define being 'responsible' as being boring, a drag, a party pooper, someone in touch with the 'negative' part of he world and someone whose company is Not desirable
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be responsible as a Duty, as a Character I embody through all the definitions I gave to responsibility, as being dull, annoying, and ultimately just a drag nobody can live with consistently, because then I should 'shoot myself'
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I would rather shoot myself than live as a responsible being forever, within my own definition of responsibility as always looking at the 'negative, dull, boring, experiencing only the 'sad' side of existence just to make a point with others, to show them how deep I truly am that I can take on me such a Character and embody it for What is Best for All
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when reading some blogs always hammering this fucking responsibility point as something sublime we should aspire to as the ultimate purpose for living, when I in fact experience this responsibility as a drag, obnoxious, dull and essentially negative experience
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that Change can take place only within responsibility and that responsibility is not a Character but me as a response-able being
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place a negative charge on the word 'responsibility' so I would make sure never to be 'attracted' by it but to flee it at any possible given chance
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is my responsibility to feel the negativity of the world as my own experience because this proves that I am not shallow and disconnected from reality but I am into it as deep as I could be, drowning in it until I perceive everything around me as my own experience of existence being shitty and negative
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a timer that goes off when I tell myself 'enough already' as I experience myself within uncomfortability, blaming my experience of uncomfortability on Life and what is going on out there since I never get to read some 'good news' about this world or Reality, instead of seeing and realizing my experience of myself is not determined by what is happening outward but what is happening inward
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be too busy with negative/bad news to make myself responsible to breathe, because who has time to breathe and get lost in such a menial task such as breathing when I am so busy getting involved with world event and categorizing them as negative, negative, negative, until I can't take it anymore
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define world events as negative and placing a negative charge on them according to how I feel when I read the news and when I feel bad/negative I justify myself that 'how else could I feel reading such news' because I still value how I feel as a way to define myself as alive and on what side of the divide I stand, with the positive thinkers or the negative readers of negative news?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with a knot in my stomach when I read about violence, abuses, war, poverty, rape, because I believe that unless I feel bad and knot up I am No Good
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that being responsible means accepting to feel bad in opposition to my suppressed desire to feel good that I have honed and cultivated for most of my life and I have not yet completely released
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define a 'good life' as 'feeling good and having good experiences' instead of defining life as what is best for all at all times
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that unless I feel bad I am not responsible, instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that my responsibility toward life is to stop my existence as the Mind as that's where I live out my separation and self interest toward everything that exists
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect responsibility ad blame and since I am no longer blaming others for this world I am left with blaming myself which leads to my experience of the negative emotion of blame, which is still a Mind Job that I am doing because I have not yet accepted that Life is not defined by feeling ad emotions but by my being Here in and as Breath and not lost in my Mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad because I am consulting a company where someone is possibly stealing and I am battling with my desire to be good and not give the advice to get rid of them because this is bad news and I would like to not contribute to the bad news of this world so I can be good
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lie in bed obsessed with what is the best advice to give to this company, where I can see myself coming out clean out of the unpleasant deed of having to speak what I see that is not what is best for all, because someone who is abusing their partners out of their good faith should be banned from the company so he may have some time to rethink if abuse is how he wants to live by
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dislike banning, unfriending and firing people even when the abuse is clear, because I hate being the bringer of bad news because I desire to be good and I equate bad news and me as the bringer of bad news as not being good
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that unless I lie in bed in total stress playing out all the possible scenarios I won't be able to address a business decision responsibly in the moment because I don't trust myself to be able to speak what is best for all without first 'thinking about it'
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am responsible for the consequences of another, instead of seeing and realizing I am responsible for how I participate within this reality and if I stand to speak out the consequences one has woven out for themselves I am not being irresponsible because I did not consider his family and how he will support himself but he has been irresponsible by not thinking about his family and how he will support himself when he stole and did what he did within his mandate of responsibilities
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accumulate the stress relative to what is going on with me that I perceive as negative, because I believe that if I experience something negative, I am negative as in bad, because this is what I believed when I was a positive thinkers about the responsible party poopers such as I see myself in this moment, and I don't want to write about my 'negativity'
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to blame how I feel on the news, on this business consultation that I am giving that may have a 'negative' outcome as the source of how I experience myself instead of correcting all my self definitions of what it is that I believe is making me experience myself in this way until I go back to being stable in and as Breath
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to write about this point because I told myself I would write about it when I am resolved about it, instead of seeing and realizing I cannot resolve anything until I am reacting and I am obviously reacting to having to give a business advice because I have started to judge business advices that may lead to someone losing their job as negative and bad
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel negative about this business advice because, since I am not paid for it, I don't see it as my responsibility to give the best advice but I see it as what is best for me to do, considering nobody is rewarding me for taking on such a shitty position as the one that speaks the truth about a simple business operation such as this one is, such as 'people who steal from their partners and screw up all papers to cover their tracks and have not considered that what they stole they stole it from other 3 people who have families too to support and go tight every month so the stealing partner can splurge and live above his wage, should be fired' - period
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to polarize my existence into good and bad, into feeling and emotions, accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is 'normal' to feel a certain way when something that is objectively negative takes place, instead of seeing and realizing that within this existence there is nothing objective taking place but just myself experiencing the polarity of my mind which I am stopping and self correcting through writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application, to realign with Oneness and Equality and What is best for All.
Self commitments to follow tomorrow
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