I have skipped writing for a few days. I have missed it.
I had a guest and then my mother came.
I have noticed that when there is people around I give up writing, I give up me basically.
The guest was my ex, I had a lot of time during the day to write but I didn't because I was busy keeping myself stable, haha, meaning walking a tightrope that ended feeling like walking inside a narrow corridor where on both sides there were doors that if opened would swallow me.
Did it work? No.
Because I could have sat down to write about what I was experiencing instead of trying to wrestle it all inside my mind, which did not work and ended in accumulation that eventually blew into resorting to my usual behaviors, just because it was easier to walk a Character than to explore being Here Character-less in the face of having to relate to others, in the specific my top 2 entries in my world of misunderstandings and suppression.
Another reason I saw about why I did not want to write is because I took writing as a 'therapy' that proves I am not so 'normal' because 'normal' people don't need therapy, they just manage their lives effectively, lots of beliefs that have to do with how I relate to others, fear of judgements and my definition of writing as 'therapy' vs writing as an expression of who I am.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear sitting down and writing when people are around because I fear their judgement of me as a 'nutcase' instead of pushing myself through my resistance because I have created amazing support for myself so far through writing
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when people are around, consider their potential reactions/comments before the support I can give myself through writing
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participate in backchats about writing, giving writing a meaning as 'therapy' and within this accepting that I am a nutcase that needs writing as a way to defuse my potential blow ups instead of seeing realizing and understanding that the 'nutcase' is just a character I give in to please others, so I could offer a definition that would show that I accepted all the blame for everything that did not work in my communication and my way of relating to them
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear communicating with others in self honesty and instead of pushing through the resistance, to accept my limitation as fear of expressing myself and what is going on with me and what I see could support me - such as writing
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not important because my interactions with others define me and are themselves defined by their positive feedback for which I change and adapt to make sure I please them when they are around me, so I can be pleased in return through their approval of me
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not give to myself time to write as a way of caring for myself and taking responsibility for myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define writing as a task, as something that is on my 'to do' list of things I have to accomplish during the day as I see, realize and understand that when I define writing as an obligation, when I feel under pressure for other obligations I will let it go, drop it as I attempt to make space between my perceived obligations for myself instead of seeing and realizing that writing is not my obligation but my self support and that all the more when I perceive myself under stress or pressure that would be the time to sit down and write to avoid accumulation of energetic reactions and their unavoidable consequences
I commit myself to, when people are around, to make the time to write and push through my resistances to do so until writing is one and equal with who I am and not something separate
I commit myself to stop defining writing as a task I have to do, an obligation, a therapy as any definition separates me from writing as who I am as a tool for self support to stop my participation in and as the Mind and return myself Here to the physical, in and as Breath.
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