Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Day 407: The Downside of Be-living the 'Nobody Wants Me' Character

This is a Follow up to my post 'Owner of a Broken Heart'

So, digging up the origin of this point within me.

Something happened between me and my mum as I grew up, actually 2 things happened that played out this character first on her side and then on my side once I internalized it completely as 'Me'.

The first event was when I asked to go and live with my father because my mum was crazy and I could not take her blow ups any longer. A quiet, unspoken rage on her side followed that time, she called it hatred but that was just for maximum effect, it did not matter that my father said 'No, thanks', by then her 'Rejected Character' had kicked in and a vicious period of a few years followed as she tried to prove to me in every possible way that it was She who rejected me and not the other way around. She was quite convincing too.

At the height of this period she met a man who made a pass on me and I tried to keep at bay and not disclose this to my mum to not bring further grief in her life until he did it again and then I went into an aggressive 'stay away from me' stance which my mum mistook for 'jealousy' (?) and me not wanting her to enjoy her life and which culminated in her asking me to leave home. I won't go into the whole story but it's sufficient to remember that by that time she knew he was a molester and a bastard through and through, still she asked ME to leave, this activated the 'Nobody wants me Character' in me, as me and solidified it in place to the point that I always question men who have a relationship with me about the 'why' they stick around', because, obviously, if 'nobody wants me' what are they doing there?

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not See, realize and understand that, as I was afraid to become a copy of my mother and her unpredictable patterns and I tried to resist through rational thinking  I was in fact already busy imprinting myself with the exact same patterns and just looking for ways to cover them up and pretend they were not there.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that we carry patterns of memories, emotions and feelings and traumas from one generation to the next and that it will take our active directive principle to stop ourselves from existing that way by deleting them through self forgiveness and rewriting scripts for ourselves that are more supportive to ourselves and everyone else that walks their life with us

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize  and understand that the point, the question 'what are you doing here?', had nothing to do with the other person but was about a pattern of myself I was revealing to myself and that I should have addressed it within myself even if the other person ended up justifying my question as something that existed 'within him as well'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that the point of 'nobody wants me' was relative to others without seeing realizing and understanding that this point that I have internalized I then played out on myself, rejecting myself through judgements, separating myself into emotional reactions for which I blamed others instead of addressing the point of learning to want myself, accept myself unconditionally, beyond self judgement so that I would not need another to 'want me' because I had bridged the need to be wanted through the unconditional acceptance of myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold on to memories of things that happened with my mother and that I used to consolidate the 'Nobody wants me ' personality, without seeing realizing and understanding that it was because this character already existed within me that I sought points to validate it and make it real and that what I have miss-filed within the interpretation of the actions of my mother was functional to playing out a character that I failed to identify and release instead of validating it through distorted instrumental self interpreted memories

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to get really close to someone, really intimate and allow myself to create a functional agreement because I held on to the idea that in truth 'nobody wants me', having frozen in time an idea that if even my mother did not want me then 'nobody wants me' and within this for approaching every partner within suspicion wondering 'what do they really want' and looking for reasons in my mind that make them stay with me until I make these reasons and doubts so real that they end up participating and believing it was their own creation

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to enter a relationship 'hoping' that this time things would be different, even though I was aware that I had not walked myself out of the constructs of the mind through the application of the deletion modality of patterns as 'self forgiveness' and within this 'hope', for giving away my directive principle to something external, to another, 'hoping' they would be the ones doing the fixing of this 'broken heart' instead of standing as the directive principle of myself to work at repairing what is not best for me and hence not best for all involved

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist as blame for my mother and for this pattern that I was aware she carried as she kept talking about when her mother abandoned her or did not want her and for realizing too late into the pattern that no matter how much I disliked listening to her and her rantings about it, I had already internalized this pattern and the irritation I felt was always toward myself and my own programming which I was afraid to take responsibility for

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt when my partner said 'which story?' in a tone I interpreted as mocking, as to say there was never a story between us through which I ended up feeling duped and used and doubting the process I am walking because maybe if I had not self forgiven myself so much I would have been more aware of my reactions and I could have listened to them as a warning sign, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that it was because I suppressed my reactions and did not address them in full that I ended up feeling used and abused, which I was, but by myself and not by another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress points I wanted to come clean about because I held on to the pattern that since 'nobody wants me' already, I better not rock the boat, hope things will work out if I don't go into some other of my fragmented self and play out something even more unpleasant than this aloof character living on the sidewalk of this relationship and within this for fearing to rock the boat, not of my relationship but of my own mind, fearing that if I looked at everything that was in there about this relationship I would have to face the fact that I had made a mistake of judgement to start with because I was not ready to walk with another as I was barely learning to walk with myself and finding my own stability

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to try and please another while suppressing reactions while doing so because I was afraid he would leave and then I would have to face the fact that 'nobody wants me', instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I could have always worked on this point without waiting to face it in the physical and that I have created this break up in many ways when I look at this relationship in self honesty, so that I could remove myself from this relationship and go back to working on myself, something I believed I was not effectively doing while being in a relationship with someone who was not walking his own process of self correction

When and as I see myself attempting to bring up this character to victimize and bully myself, I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that I am working with a generational pattern and that I have deconstructed its origin and reason for being and that I always have a choice to engage or not what my mind offers as patterns of behavior

When and as I see myself looking back searching for reasons to blame another for this break up, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that what is best for all is not necessarily having a long lasting relationship but it can be meeting someone, uncover some patterns to be released and when no one is any longer benefiting from what they can discover through one another, move on without holding another responsible in any way, shape or form

When and as I see myself wondering why 'I am not sad' abut this break up and then go about wanting to dust up this 'nobody wants me' character, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that it may take some consistency in releasing this pattern completely because it is a generational pattern that I have accepted and allowed to play out and have created emotional ties to for quite some time but this in no ways means that I cannot release myself from it for good with consistent application

When and as I see myself approaching the 'nobody wants me' character in my mind, I stop, breathe, look for what I am wanting to not accept myself for, investigate the point, release myself from self judgement until I stand in unconditional acceptance of myself over what was bothering me and move on

I commit myself to stop my dependency on others for acceptance and to keep applying myself to stand as Self Acceptance while I walk my corrective application for myself and all of existence Equal and One

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“What could have been, what has been, what can be, what will be, what shall be – all is unimportant. What is Here is all that any being ever has.” Bernard Poolman

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Monday, May 5, 2014

Day 406: Owner of a Broken Heart

My boyfriend left last night, it was not as a result of a fight but of a series of events that exposed beyond any resonable doubt, to him as well, that this relationship was based on interest and, de facto, it was a relationship, not an agreement.

Some of the things he said made a lot of sense, like the fact that he doesn't feel equal in his participation and he can't live with this, he said that since the question 'why are you here' on my side was recurrent when we had a fall out he admitted that the question kept coming up because this question existed inside of him as well.

I said that an agreement is a place where both work to make it work, while I was talking I wondered if I was just robotically acting out a speech.
A few things that he said triggered a feeling of being hurt, being offended, one was when he said 'story - which story?' when I was talking about us and then the next was 'are we free now?' and the feeling he couldn't get away fast enough - that triggered a feeling of rejection and of having been used.

This happened Saturday. I spent Sunday on the sidewalk of a pity party, I didnt join it, instead I spent the day watching videos on Mind Control and MK Ultra and Satanists seeking to put my very minor problem into context, I mean there are people that do blood sacrifices and traumatize children to turn them into perfect slaves, hello, talk about mental problems, I have just had a relationship ending.

Plus, I couldn't not notice the feeling of relief, of finally having the bed all to myself, of owning my time again so within one day I was pretty much stable again, I could even look at his side and see how we got here even though I knew that I would have to address those 2 points, the feeling of having been used and the feeling of rejection.
When I felt like crying I saw that the points that would come up were related to self victimization as in 'nobody wants me', this is a residue from something that happened with my mum that created this personality plus its a construct of hers who has lived her life as the Construct of being rejected due to her history with her mum.

When he came back today to talk to my neighbors about a job, I was stable and we could sit down and have a small chat, I was glad about this because the day he left I was possessed by the feeling of 'rejection' and when he said, 'if you need anything call me' to which I replied, 'if you need anything -don't call me' and on top of that I refused to shake hands and I didn't like myself for that.

Another point that came up was how I almost immediately wanted to move into evaluating this break up through my Money Personality to establish the amount of 'my loss' in material terms, proving that I am still run and not yet running/directing myself.

In my next posts I will address these points with SF and SCA to move on and release these emotions and everything that goes with them.

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