Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Day 463: The Alchemy of Change

I want to write about this experience I have had for a few years now, which has to do with the experience I go through when I discover 'something new' about the world - which is usually bad/sad/horrible - and I end up feeling crushed by it.

This experience has been with me for almost 6 years now and I have only recently realized that I have an attachment to feeling bad, mainly because I worked hard to only 'feel good' for almost 10 years of my life, when I joined the 'Think Positive' Movement in all its fringes and prophets, it's like I have to now 'pay this price', like if Getting Real should be about really Feeling Bad about the State of Things, The State of the World, the State of Myself when I look at how many programs I still run on that are not best for myself or All Life.

Some days I feel so bad that I get nauseous and then it seems like I can't identify in that moment what the cause is for that ill-being, when in fact it's just a long standing accumulation of disappointments, like I had appointed myself to see the world in a certain way until I woke up and the crash was so big that I didn't really know how to handle it or basically, how to change my rosy theresareasonforeverything world view to WTF!

So I can see that there was a sort of fall from Grace that I haven't really addresses specifically enough to grant myself permission to go on and live, because there's no choice really, here I am and I can drag my feet through this Life as a demented Shocked Zombie or stand up, dust off the disappointment, the shock, the sadness, the guilt and shame and keep walking a path of personal correction as my contribution to the Change that I want for myself and the rest of Existence.

So I am going to walk backward to the first point of shock that I haven't released, realized - to let go of all the energy I have accumulated on top of it afterward and consequentially all the moments that I saw I could break through but did not because 'it was just all too much'.

So, the first point of shock was when I discovered that there were Cancer cures available in this world and people didn't know about them.
I remember a feeling of devastation as I spent time with healers that told me things about people with cancers that were gone through fasting or through other alternative cheap modalities that were derided in the mainstream medical establishment.

I guess this first fall from Grace was because I had not yet come to understand the economics engines of this world and what they were geared for, take the medical establishment which was obviously engineered to create patients and not recovered ex-patients and how far they would go to ensure their supply of sick people would never end.
This seemed particularly EVIL to me because I had attached to the Medical Profession - guys with White Coats who spent years getting an Education to Save Lives - a positive connotation, so here I can see how the pattern plays out of having extreme difficulties in switching gear and accept that what I thought and believed to be Good - was in fact not so.

As well I can see a tendency of me as The Mind to just want to have clear labels to live by, like in Disney Cartoons, where the Bad Guys are clearly Bad and the Good ones clearly good and not feel  forced to live into these grey dimensions of 'sometimes they are good, sometimes not - some of them are good - but not all of them'.

From there it was a slippery slope down, to the point that one day I sat on my computer and googled this question 'who knows we are in Hell?'
That would be about when I met Desteni and The Portal.

At the time I bombarded myself with tons of other information about the world and the nature of the world as a reflection of ourselves, I didn't have the same experience as some others walking my same Path of Correction, I felt bad almost throughout All of the Videos I watched, I could never see the silver lining in any of the information shared, not because there wasn't, just because it wasn't The Silver Lining I Wanted.

I wanted a solution for sure, I just didn't want THAT Solution, I didn't want all the responsibility On Me, come on, being responsible in every moment of Breath for my thoughts, words and deeds? Seemed fucking delirious at the time - I could barely NOT Act on my Thoughts at that stage, which in my opinion made me better that those that did, I was one step ahead of the Game, I was good because I could have a really nasty thought and not act on it, not speak it, suppress it with pot, sex, food, anything would be better than Act on it - good enough for me.

Unfortunately what I came to understand was that, aware or not, everything I had created, participated in, accepted and allowed for myself and others in this world, had become ME, maybe this was really the most shocking thing of them all.

So, basically, I joined this Process of Correction out of Guilt and Shame and walked it anyway, carrying/dragging myself through these negative emotions and suppression, so today, I am not here to judge myself or to say I was not honest with my process because I see that I did a hell of a job carrying/dragging myself through it despite all of these negative emotions, which were not my motivators because the motivation was my understanding that Yes, I have done that, been that, I can see in me everything that is Not working in the world, I can see how my existence either becomes a testimony for a new way of Living and a New World for All or I will be part of the Problem.
And So I walked this process regardless of how I felt about it, about me, about the world.

It took me several years to really start having a glimpse of what Process is, first because this word is quite charged for me and I never took the time to clear it
Process - like  trial in Italian - Processo
Process as processed things - like Food - not good

instead of Process as something in the Process of being turned inside out, to give birth to something new, a real Alchemy of Matter, an Alchemy of moving what really Matters into a Living Expression, processing one self from serfdom and automation to a Living and Breathing Being - forgifting myself everything that I was not given, born with, engineered for.

So, time to transform Process as Penance, to a Living Expression of Myself as a decision I make, not because I am unworthy to live the way I am but because there's so much more to me that I can express in this Life, if I dare to take the steps to address what I don't like/approve of me into what I decide I want to be beyond my current, perceived, limitations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that I fell from Grace when I faced this world for the first time, real-eyesing what we were dealing with, inside and out of ourselves

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move into Fear when it came to me having to For-give myself, instead of leaving the task to an unknown invisible entity like the Universe or a Supreme Being, because I wasn't sure I would be up to the task to give to myself as I would have liked to receive, not seeing realizing and understanding that no one else can for-give to me what I can see I can become as my utmost potential - but myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pride myself about the belief I held that things were quite simple 'either black or white' accepting only the 'greys' I had already fathomed in the blackandwhite equation, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that Life is not about opening up to the limited 'greys' we have already equated but it's about expanding beyond black/white and grays to include everything that exists, from the small to the big until I can stand equal to all of existence without shame or guilt for what we have collectively created and conveniently disowned

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that no one can possibly be responsible for themselves in every moment of breath, simply because I reaped the benefits of my automated irresponsible existence til then and I didn't want to have to make the effort of being aware of myself at all times and about how I was creating my thoughts, words and deeds while I blamed the Creator that created us, instead of seeing that this process was a chance for me to make myself better than the Creator of me did - as the Creator of myself - as I accept responsibility for myself and everything that exists - equal and one-  to redesign me into the best possible version of myself and in so doing contribute to the creation of the best possible piece of this world that I can be, changing the world - as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that since we were in Hell already, I could only live the rest of my life as a sad, hopeless, crushed existence that has become aware of its hellish condition, instead of fully comprehend that this process was a Gift, was the forgiftness that we were graced with as a way out of what we have been - on the road to our utmost potential

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this moment of Grace was not 'given to me' as an undeserving being, but it is for me to give to myself, to give myself Worth as Life - to stop the cycles of shame and guilt that lay deep down each one of us for creating such a world that doesn't honour Life - and so ourselves as Life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in a state of Grief for who I have been, what I thought, said and done to myself and people around me as I accepted my automated life of reactions vs embracing my response ability to Not React but make decisions in every moment, that would be solutions for myself and others, to create a Life of Harmony inside and outside of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to under-stand the information I gathered about existence and how it all came about, because I accepted and allowed myself to be sucked into an existential fear that everything was too big, too screwed up, too far gone for anyone to be able to address a credible change in any way, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the information we received were meant to empower us to stop this specific design, to realize that whatever has happened is now past and while not gone, we have tools now to address our lives from beginning to end, correcting, realigning and becoming expressions of what the world we would like to live in would be - so I walk this process of moulding myself into what I could have been and what I can still be as I stop giving in to my Mind that wants to decide for me, as me, who I should be in every moment as reaction vs  self expression, deciding the best outcome for all in every moment of choice

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be put off by the word 'Process' as processed meat, processed food, as Trial,  as pro-cess - aka toward/supporting the toilet lol, instead of seeing Process for what it is, an alchemical process of transformation of Matters, of Matter, of what Matters, from inconsequential to willingly, aware-ly consequential, where my actions, words and thoughts exists in alignment, where I have nothing to hide, regret or be ashamed of because I work to exist as the best possible version of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take a step back from my process as I felt the information I was receiving, the points we were opening up, the paths we walked to make our changes real - were the problem and the source of how I felt, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that nothing happens inside of me that I have not created and that in taking response-ability for my Creations, I get the access key to change the relationships I have formed with things, people, events and memories in my Life - and that in truth - there's no Power Greater than the one found within Self Responsibility and the Ability Each One of Us can Gift to ourselves - to Change.

Friday, November 25, 2016

Day 462: When in doubt - Apologize

I want to share something I have learned through trial and err to snap myself out of an energetic possession in a moment of conflict with someone.

I will bring up an example of a situation that went on with my mum a few days ago, I told someone I would give them the TV we had at home because I got a new smart TV with my phone contract for a small monthly fee.
This has to do with my 'Generous Character' something I will be taking on next because it's an Automated part of myself that I wish to release so I can live my Giving as a form of Self Expression and not as a Compulsion.

The TV I now have at home belongs to my mum, for some reasons, because it's now in my home, it felt like it was 'mine', so I could give it away if I wanted to, without asking if she minded.

When I told her she became very angry and told me that this was not Mine to Give, so I went through these emotions as a consequence of realizing that this was in fact true

I felt wrong/wronged 
I felt ashamed that I didn't consider the fact that it was not my TV to give away
I felt righteous because 'Giving is always a good thing'
I called my mother 'Selfish' because she already has 2 TVs at home and so 'Not Giving Willingly and Happily' this one - made her Selfish

That's when she almost blew a fuse.

That was the moment as well when I saw I had a choice, I could keep building up bullshit on why I was right (I tried the 'it's in my house so must be mine to give away if I want' - that's about where I drew the line) or I could stop on my track, take a deep breath, look at what I was doing, assess the way ahead to step out of this emotional possession - which I knew very well where it would lead - and in so doing stopping any undesirable consequence for myself and my mum.

I found that Apologizing in the midst of an energetic possession is like a Spell Breaker, because, the whole point of the bullshit build up is because I don't want to Apologize and Be Wrong about something, instead I found that what I resisted the most held a very important key for me to free myself.

Apologizing is like stepping onto a neutral plateau where I no longer feel the need or drive to create more crap to not apologize for something I have done that didn't consider all parts involved, in this case I didn't consider that my mum had a special attachment to this TV because she got it at a bargain price and put it in my grandma's home when that place became her own, I didn't consider that since it was hers, she could have decided to give it away to someone else, or not give it away at all- none of her reasons were for me to judge anyway but just to consider that this is where she stood at the moment with regards to that specific thing.

So sharing this very useful tool

when you see something escalating emotionally with someone, no matter what your good reasons are for taking a specific stand - start with the apology, it works wonders and you will be giving yourself the gift of integrity - as you no longer accept and allow your Mind (as your ideas, beliefs, past experiences, pre-programming) to decide who you are and who you want to be in any moment of your Life.

For further tools and support to create the best version of yourself, for yourself and all Life, One and Equal, check out Desteni here

Monday, April 4, 2016

Day 460: The Manipulative Power of Wounds

Woundology (a term created by Carolyn Miss ) is about using the wounds -- the hurts, the traumas, the unfortunate events, the slings and arrows of life in general --  in order for the wounded person to manipulate others, elicit sympathy or compassion, to gain a measure of power and/or authority, and/or to claim allowance for their disagreeable actions.  It is a specialized form of Scapegoatology, in which the world, Fates, outrageous fortune, and most everyone else are blamed for what the woundee has experienced.  Woundology is about claiming compensation for the woundee’s problems by others acquiescing to their demands and arguments, allowing the woundee to have their way, extending sympathy in most every form, and forgiving the woundee’s failings and faults.  

I have been teaching my mum about process and as I go and I force myself to render 'what process is' in my mothertongue (Italian), new dimension of 'Process' are opening up for myself as well.

At the moment I have been my mum's buddy it was a very cool exercise because I walked with her things that are coming up through the process of using Homeopathy to heal some terrible pains she has at nighttime that she described as 'angry dogs tearing away at my flesh' - and I want to underline that my mum, like myself , or viceversa - lol-, is a big suppressor of emotions because we believe somewhere that is 'unbecoming' to bring up negative stuff and play the victim. Not that we haven't plenty indulged in the victim personality, we just always saw it as most appropriate to do it in the secrecy of our own mind.

What has come up though, as I read her writing, is a sort of anticipation of a specific event that happened between us and for which it seems she has not done enough 'penance'.

Things that highlighted the need for me to bring this point up that took place in the past week

'someone' said to me 'I forgive but don't forget' - mirroring myself
the desire to bring up this even with someone to share it in a context that could 'justify' my past trespassing with him - as in 'you don't know what I went through'
the fact that the event is still loaded with emotions because when I bring it up, I want to cry
the delusion of not finding it in my mother's writing, like a gaping wound that she should bring up because was so fundamental and she should not get off that easy for it
the fact that one point contained in this event came up recently with a friend and I felt 'she should not have chosen him over me'

So, I will use the tools I have learnt from #Desteni to release myself and my mum from this past memory once and for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to this specific memory of an event that took place between me and my mum in which I judged that she only acted in her own self interest not putting me ahead of her wants/needs because a good mum should have done that and not choose a lousy man over me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge my mum for what she did in a way that only highlighted Her wrongdoing without considering that there were many other things happening between us that may have pushed her to decide to simply take a break from our relationship  that did not necessarily had to do with her 'choosing someone over me'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel diminished by my interpretation of an event as my mum 'choosing a lousy man over me' and for then projecting this disappointment onto other situation where I had the perception that someone 'chose a (lousy) man over me'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed that this specific event did not come up in her writing because I labelled it as a 'fundamental life changing event' between us while she skips and hops over it so she won't have to face what she did that was unacceptable in my perception

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold on to this event that I labelled as 'life changing' between us, not wanting to see, realize and understand that if it was so life changing and not in a way that benefited any of us, it was my responsibility to revisit it to empty it of it emotional content so that it would not stand between me and her and the path we are walking to change ourselves to realign to what is best for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not want to let go of this past event because I saw that I could always use it as my wild card to explain to people why I allowed myself to be a total ass in certain situation because I had been 'wounded' beyond repair and therefore I was entitled to live a wounded life and not change myself from the 'wounded' character, to a healthy forgiving being that would work to reach her utmost potential

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for not sorting this out sooner but for waiting for the wake up call of the 'angry dogs that could be eating at my flesh' soon enough, if I don't work to let go this point of suppressed anger, like my mum didn't work to let go of her anger toward her mum - until now

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I had allowed myself to embody this memory to such an extent that I became it and it became me, and in doing so I held on to a self inflicted wound for over 20 years just because it was too precious to let it go as it allowed me to feel in credit toward my mum and keep her indebted to me - for life

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wish to keep my mum indebted to me because I felt indebted to her for all the sacrifices she made for me as I grew up for which I gave her no recognition and that made me hostile to her because I didn't want to live indebted to someone, just to end up doing the same thing to her

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fell indebted to my mum and as such to feel inferior because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that those who carry the debts are inferior and those that carry the credit are superior

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand the instrumental use I was making of this memory so I could profit from it, profit from my mum and her guilt, profit from the pity I could elicit in those I would choose to share this memory with, actively participating in woundology for profit while blaming my mum all this time for what 'she did'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I feared letting go of this negative memory because I perceived that I would lose my advantage with my mum and go back to feeling inferior, while if I held on to this memory and my credit and made it larger every time I revisited the memory I could prevent myself from feeling indebted, I could be debt free, I could be the creditor, effectively the winner at the game of winner/losers, debtors/creditor, instead of redefining my relationship with my mum beyond debts and credits as one of support for each other and for all life, one and equal

Redefining the word Mother/Mamma

This word is defined in Italian as a 'symbol of sacrifice, love, worry
Exclamation of anxiety, fear, worry
Someone who takes care of someone else being their guide

Lacking definition from our Italian dictionary - oddly enough

someone who gave birth to someone

What is a mother?
it's a being, just like me, who either gave birth or cares for someone like if she did

When and if I should see myself desiring to bring up again the event that took place between me and my mum in which I made her indebted to me, I stop, breathe, look at WHY I would like to trade this past perceived wound with someone, be it a desire for intimacy or a desire to be excused for something I have done and instead of using this as a trade off, I address the underlying point directly if not in the specific moment, soon after as I have realigned myself to express what it is I really would like to express myself as in the moment

I commit myself to disengage from this past event and to release my mum from the perceived debt she had with me for life because I want to live debt free, I want to create a debt free world and I cannot have what I am not willing to give to others, as one, as equal, as Life