This morning I knew I wanted to write on a specific point that came up when I went to the gym yesterday, which is my connection to the word 'wet' :), even though this connection opened up the whole sex system and I was reticent to write about it in 'public', I found out as well how many topics I have to write about, seemingly innocent points that come up during the day, like 'I hate Jews" out of any apparent context or my connection or even conscious awareness of the point, to Hong Kong that I have not yet cleared in writing, especially my relationship with Michele my friend, so I'm making a list here to go back to each one of these, but when I read the mail this morning an urgent point opened up.
My ex husband sent me an email, to ask me about my travel agent in Thailand, this annoyed me greatly, because something happened on which I had built an extensive, although suppressed back chat, 10 days ago and I did not address it, instead I brushed it under the carpet believing that since we are not in contact regularly, it would go away.
The point was that 10 days ago I started to feel guilty about NOT telling him that we, as permanent residents of Hong Kong had the right to apply for a tax refund of 600 Euros, yes, Hong Kong is so rich that is giving tax money back to their citizens as a balance sheet surplus, money that they could use to improve the lives of those who are really poor in the city, like the Filipino maids, and who are a great asset to this city in which nothing could move without the Filipino workforce that amount to 300000 people, but they never had the chance to apply for permanent residenceship as they are not considered Equal worthy citizens even after 20 years of residence in the city.
Anyway, WE, the white Caucasians and a few wealthy Indians, have this right either by birth, nationality or Money when both the previous are missing, applying is very easy as everything is in Hong Kong, since the city focuses on the happiness and on the easing out the lives of the Money makers of the world that decide to take up residence there, I just had to go on my bank website and fill out a form, easy peasy, 4 weeks later I got the money credited on my account.
My ex husband has never been good with these things, he finds everything that needs reading of a bureaucratic nature tedious and he gives up before even trying, so at first I had quite some spitefulness going on, like fuck it, why is it my responsibility to let him know, isn't he big enough to handle his own stuff, in the mixture there some resentment as well for our life together and for one particular incident I see now I should write about and I will. Anyway, these thoughts kept churning until one morning I decided to just write him a note to explain about the refund and how to do it, inclusive of links, I wrote him an email and sent him a msg on Facebook too. No Reply.
This was 2 weeks ago, so when I received his message today, I felt angry, in fact I still feel angry, because he always contacts me when he needs information, like I'm the yellow pages of his life and then he closes his messages with sentences that make me want to smack him, this one closed with 'I will see you, sometime, somewhere, somehow'.
So I replied with all the information required and just a note to say 'how is it possible to contact you unless by replying to one of your messages ?', this line was loaded, interesting because it is not at all in appearance but the most fascinating thing is that he replied with one line that said, in child transliteration in Italian 'I got scolfed'. He got the unspoken/unwritten load.
So, what are the points of all this irritation that I can address ?
First the point of my irrelevance in his life, it's obvious, I hate to be irrelevant in his life because if I still play the reaction game with him, he is not yet obviously irrelevant in mine.
Second, the point that he contacts me only when he needs something which makes me feel used but I still comply because I don't want to tell him to fuck off because this would make me doubt about my 'goodness' as a person, which is odd since I have already admitted to my non benevolence so it must be something else, yes, I fear his judgement, meaning I fear my judgement as having lost my aplomb, having fallen to the "fuck you" point so I swallow the 'fuck you' and load an innocent sentence with the same 'fuck you' charge, which he gets in full.
Third, I dislike reading between the lines that he is happy with another woman, in fact happier than he has ever been with me, because in this I find a point of devaluation as I compare myself to her subconsciously and I come out as a loser.
Fourth, I don't like to not be in control of how this relationship goes, so he can contact me whenever he wants and I cannot, so it's not fair, a point of unfairness for the unbalance of the relationship.
Fifth, I hate to be moved into reactions when interacting with him, so every time i see one of his messages I anticipate it will piss me off, even though, in self honesty, I can see there is no intention of doing so and it is all my unresolved stuff between us that brings up such feelings and emotions.
Sixth I have not let go of the what it could have been and the point of regret, there is a link as well to my being back in Italy, a question he asked and I did not reply to, which was, "Are you happy? are you in Italy to stay ?", because this brings up the point of failure for myself of having returned to Italy after 17 years abroad, having nothing 'to show' for myself, like my life never happened for 17 years, it was an intermission between the life I hated in Italy before and the life I hate in Italy after, it sucks to even write this.
Plus I have a fear of writing this as my husband will for sure be back on FB and email for a while, having been scolfed' and he may get a chance to read it and I will feel exposed and even more of a loser than I feel when I interact with him.
So off with facing all these points with Self Forgiveness:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being irrelevant in another's life and in the specific in my ex husband's life because I have defined my relevance by the feed back I get from others/from him
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed about my irrelevance in my ex husband's life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place more relevance on my ex husband than on myself as a feedback regarding my self worth, and for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from Worth Here as Self Worth here and not dependent on anything from the outside and separate from me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for 'good' feedback from others regarding my relevance just to feed my Ego
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to prove my relevance as an Ego system instead of accepting my Self Worth as Self Here in breath One and Equal with everything that exists
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my ex husband life is my responsibility because this is how I understood marriage and I have never let go of this responsibility allowing myself to feel guilty if I do not do something for him as it is my responsibility to fill in where he lacks, as in organization and being on top of what goes on around him
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my ex husband lacked these qualities just because I had them and I wanted to be important and useful in his life until I managed to make him lacking in my eyes so I could be the needed filler
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel used
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use others and for feeling guilty regarding using others
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to use others to have my desired outcome from my mental projections and fantasies about how my physical experience should be
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty about using others
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself about using others and making of myself a 'bad person'
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am bad
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be 'bad'
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to tell others to 'fuck off' and in the specific to my ex husband because he doesn't fulfil my idea of how our relationship should be
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my 'fuck off' for the desire to look civilized and good and not showing I'm in fact overcome with emotions
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my ex husband judgement of me as a deranged bitch that told him to "fuck off' without any reason
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own judgement of myself as a deranged bitch that tells people to fuck off without any reason
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there are good reasons to tell people to fuck off that have to do with my ego and being right while others are wrong
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be jealous that my ex husband as a good life because I associate the words 'good life' with having a successful relationship and since he sounds chirpy in his message I assume he has that and I don't
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare my life with my ex husband's life to make myself a loser according to my ideas and beliefs of what a successful life is
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in and as the comparison construct in which someone has to lose for me to win
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I'm not in control of this relationship just because I blame my ex husband for the way I feel every time we get in touch with each other instead of taking self responsibility and accepting that what goes on inside of me has nothing to do with him but is the result of my suppressed back chat that I am not willing to face to stop it and correct myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear participating in this relationship because I don' t like what it brings up in me instead of seeing it as an opportunity to face myself, stop, breathe and self correct
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret what has never been between myself and my ex husband even though it should be clear that if it has never been the point of regret is a fantasy I made up together with what could have been but never was
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate my memories regarding my relationship with my ex husband so as to remember some rare good times as a way to push myself into make belief regret
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate my memories to highlight the bad times with my ex husband when I try to resolve the make belief point of regret by showing myself there is nothing to regret, instead of breathing, standing up to correct the delusional point of regret until I no longer exist one and equal to regret
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like a failure because I am back in Italy without accepting it was my choice and Italy did not 'happen to me'
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to face my responsibility of in fact being back in Italy and having to do something here in regard to my participation in and as the system because I fear that if I do I close my door to leaving this country that I believe I hate as I hate my life in Italy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I hate Italy and my life when in truth i have always only hated myself and my participation in and as this system of abuse in which I was never better or worse but Equal in the fuck up and now Equal in a process of Self Correction in which I am no longer alone as a random unit of self destruction but One and Equal through the process I walk with others to correct myself as the self abuse of thoughts, emotions and feelings I participated in and beLIEved to be me
When and as I see myself moving or about to move into irritation regarding a message from my EX, I stop, breathe, remind myself there is only Self here and whatever he brings up inside of me is an inside job and as such it is my responsibility to fix it and release the bottled up energy that the irritation is pointing at, standing in self honesty and self correction until no reactions move when I interact with him
When and as I see myself reacting or about to react to anything I read into one of My ex husband's messages, I stop, breath, remind myself anything I read that is not there is a fantasy in my mind and a result of accumulated back chat, I look at it in self honesty, write myself out and apply self forgiveness until there is no longer a reaction inside of me regarding to what he writes
When and as I see myself fearing a message from my ex husband I have not yet read, I stop, breathe, remind myself there is nothing I fear in this world but me and what goes on inside of me and that in self honesty and self corrective application I can correct my past until nothing of who I was remains and on the blank slate of my Ego I can rewrite a world that is best for All
I commit myself to investigate every reaction that comes up inside of me, look at the root cause and how I have created it through a self judgement that I have not yet forgiven and to forgive myself until I am no longer a reactive being that contributes to what we have become as the Mind Consciousness System in and as separation from myself and All There Is, but a Self Directive One that can stand One and Equal for What is Best for All, as Life, One and Equal
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